Understanding My Emotional Disconnect: A Journey Through My Past

By Anonymous

It was a bright Saturday afternoon, and the park was filled with the joyous echoes of laughter. Families gathered, indulging in picnics and games, while children ran freely, their carefree giggles resonating in the warm summer air. As I sat on a bench, observing the cheerful scene before me, a familiar sense of detachment washed over me. The happiness surrounding me felt foreign, a language I couldn’t quite comprehend.

The Roots of My Disconnect

This emotional disconnect, I’ve come to realize, is a lingering symptom of growing up in a toxic household. My childhood home was a place where joy was a fleeting visitor, often overshadowed by tension and conflict. In a house where arguments were more common than laughter, I learned to navigate a world where happiness felt like an elusive concept, something other people experienced but I couldn’t quite grasp.

In those formative years, I learned that my family was not a reliable source when it came to emotional support. Luckily, I had a few good friends that helped me experience this type of joy and connection. Unfortunately, this also served as a bigger wedge between myself and my family. Seeing how other people functioned as family units was eye opening and the more time I spent with my friends and their families, the more I realized the unhealthy dynamic of my own family. One of the biggest points of contention was I wanted my parents to get divorced which quickly lead to being shamed because I wasn’t a ‘team player’ or “in it through thick and thin”.

I became adept at masking my emotions, an essential survival skill in order to not be ostracized in what should have been a safe space: my home. I learned that vulnerability was dangerous, that expressing joy or excitement could be met with ridicule or dismissal. So, I built walls around my heart, convinced it was safer to remain detached.

The Impact on Relationships

As I grew older, this emotional armor became a barrier not only to my happiness but also to my ability to connect with others. Friends would share their joyous moments—engagements, promotions, the birth of a child—and while I genuinely wanted to celebrate with them, I often found myself on the outside looking in, unable to fully participate in their happiness.

It was as if there was a screen between us, a filter that muted the vibrancy of their experiences. I would offer congratulations and smile in all the right places, yet internally, there was a disconnect—a sense of being an observer rather than a participant in the tapestry of human emotion.  I have had more success with feeling happiness and joy for my friends, but still had to fake a lot of it.

Another weird symptom (for lack of a better phrase) was my inability to watch certain TV shows or movies. I would get irritated at what seemed like such a fantasy, so far from real, such as a tender moment between a father and a daughter or a mother who goes the extra mile always for her child. These situations were so far from reality for me that I caulked it up to being “Hollywood” fiction. It wasn’t until someone pointed out that their family had moments like that (after I was squawking about an older brother speaking compassionately to his sister) that I realized there is some truth to these scenarios depicted on TV and in movies.

Looking back, I realized I haven’t celebrated things that others usually celebrate, at least not with the same intensity. I eloped instead of planning a wedding to invite family and friends to. My best friend was bummed that I didn’t go through with the festivities and made me promise not to hide any future pregnancies or other such things. My family was not thrilled either. I also don’t share a lot with my family now and it drives them crazy. I make decisions that result in major changes and don’t tell them. I wasn’t super thrilled to tell them I was engaged, and even less thrilled when I realized they already knew it was going to happen because my husband (bless his heart) asked my dad for his permission (he definitely didn’t need it). I dreaded the thought of telling them anything.

A Journey Towards Healing

Recognizing this pattern was the first step towards breaking it. It took time and introspection to understand that my inability to relate to others’ happiness wasn’t a flaw in my character, but rather a remnant of my past. I began to unpack the layers of my upbringing, acknowledging the impact it had on my emotional landscape.

Therapy has been a tremendous help in this journey, especially couples counseling with my husband. We have never had huge issues that felt like deal breakers or came close to ending things...but we did have plenty to discuss in therapy. More couples should take advantage of therapy before things get out of hand.

Supportive friends have always been a saving grace. I feel lucky (looking back now) that I had my friends instead of being isolated and completely unable to connect with others.

My relationship with my family, however, is very strained. It has taken me a long time to realize the impact our dynamic has had on me. It is a daily struggle. And things came to a head with one major life decision I made and I couldn’t tolerate the way we were with each other any longer. I was shunned at a time when I really needed support. I felt abandoned by them. I didn’t hold back my thoughts and feelings. After holding things in for so long and exploding all at once it was not well received by my family. While things have gotten a little better, and there is a better understanding among us, I still feel like the black sheep of the family. They seem to be fine with how they interact with each other still and still operate pretty much the same. I don’t know if it will get any better, but at the moment its tolerable.

I hope that acknowledging my past and its influence on my present, I am opening the door to a better future filled with authentic connections and the joy that comes from being truly seen and understood.  But the truth is that the people around us might not change and there is only so much one person can do since we can’t control the actions of others. Boundaries might need to remain in place for a lifetime and hard truths will need to be felt, but I try to remain hopeful.

In sharing my story, I hope to reach others who might feel similarly isolated, reminding them that they are not alone and healing is possible. With patience and self-compassion, we can learn to relate to happiness and form meaningful connections.

All of our therapists work with individuals who are struggling as a result of being exposed to a toxic environment or people. Visit our Clinicians page to learn who might be a good fit for you or  feel free to email contact.blackberry@blackberrycounselingcenter.com or call (217) 471-4229.

Other Resources to Consider

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-involved Parents By Lindsey C. Gibson

It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn